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                                                                 Feeding:  Mealtime Chaos

     A couple of  events in the day of the Child are KEY instructional times, that are often seriously misunderstood by Modern Parents at best, and a complete FUBAR at worst.  The first is feeding time, and the other is bedtime.  We will devote separate discussions for each of these psychotic events, don't worry.

     We begin after breast or bottle is no longer necessary, around at six months.  Get 'em in the high chair, and begin to acculturate the little tyke on acceptable Human meal etiquette;  OR, treat them like dogs, and focus on mealtime as merely a way to provide adequate calories for growth and healthy coats.  Your choice.  I prefer to focus on well-mannered, productive Mealtime as a vital PARENTING event, rather than a shiny coat.

     Let's get some Modern Parent truisms, misunderstandings and pure bullshit out of the way first:

1)  He is such a fussy eater!

2)  She doesn't like that

3)  He won't eat that

4)  She screams and throws food every time!

5)  If I don't keep giving him 5 GALLONS of milk a day,  he will starve!

6)  I had to give him his ice cream, he barely touched his meal!  He needs to eat something!

7)  That sippy cup provides much needed hydration, THROUGHOUT the meal.

8)  Drinking a Coke at the restaurant won't spoil her meal

9)  Asking him "what would you like to eat" teaches him assertive decision making

10) Parental harsh words, spanking or no menu choice at mealtime will cause her psychological harm

     You know what's coming, right?  As the years go by and the Ol' Doc begins to actually fart dust, the lambasting and ridicule of Modern Parents has become terrific Geriatric Sport, even more so than Pickleball!  On paper it is soooo eeezy to be exaggeratingly direct,  because in person,  these younger, educated know-it-alls spew their looney ideas about child-rearing with such confident aplomb, such authority, y como bien sangrónes, that it seem abrasive to constantly issue in-person,  group "corrections."  Nobody likes a know-it-all, whatever the age, right?  There....you're getting the idea.  This discussion is ALSO about you, you dopey Parents!

     Seriously, you have gotta realize at some point, before Junior is shaving, that Child Behavior is   ENTIRELY the result of Parental example and instruction.  YOU teach them to behave, or misbehave.  From age ONE DAY they are patterning their Human interactions that mirror exactly what you two have taught them every minute of every day.  Should you produce competent, courageous, well-mannered and considerate Kiddos, great, you win.   Produce bratty, disaster areas, YOUR BAD!

     Mealtime mastery is actually a simple matter for the Non-Google Parents.  Summary:  you sit 'em down, you serve them what YOU prepared, you give small portions to insure success,  you DENY desert if veggies not eaten, you end mealtime abruptly and send Junior packing if there is ANY fussing or complaining, and you insist on prayer,  "please", "thank you", and "may I be excused".  Parents have ALL the leverage, because kiddies cannot buy food, and cannot prepare meals.

  

     If you are newlyweds, or married and raising cats, you can make every meal a New Year's Eve drunken orgy if you want.  But with children, it is essential to create a respectful, calm, even solemn environment around the mealtime,   Why?  Because this is a time where eventually your kids grow to actually communicate important life events, you know, like you and your Spouse do.....?

     The kiddies will mirror your mealtime "calm" as well.  "Do as I say, not as I do?"

     The Child starts the meal with a Prayer.  (C'mon, if they are six months old, YOU say the prayer and YOU guide the little hands of the infant.  Quit with the Second Grade protests!)  This sets the Solemnity stage, and also reminds the Child to be grateful, to Mommy, Daddy and to God.  Simple, no virtue-signaling, this is not Easter Mass, this is a brief, calm bowing of the head attempt at a flash of humility.  I really don't know what to say to you Atheists.  I really don't.   

     Since I am convinced that Modern Parents missed the class they gave on Common Sense, we will keep it very basic here.  Typically, Mommy prepares the menu, whether it is leftovers or a Michelin-5 meal.  Doesn't matter.  THEY EAT WHAT YOU PREPARE AND SERVE,  OR THEY GET OFF THE TABLE.  PERIOD.   But you DO NOT give in.  Having been banished from the table, they do not eat until next planned mealtime,  and yes, EVEN IF IT IS NOT UNTIL BREAKFAST!  It works, it really, really does.  It will only take one or two times and the hungry kid gets really, REALLY grateful for "these thy gifts."  

     Believe me, using this tried and true method, your kiddos will be eating even nopáles in nothing flat!  There is no such thing as a "picky" eater, only "picky" teachers.  YOU teach the impressionable infant what to like and what not to, and, HOLY-COPY-CATER Batman!  ---  the infant learns to reject foods that YOU reject!  Seems shocking, I know, but its true.  When a child is hungry, however, they will eat their leather boots if you microwave them.  Then, with hunger as a motivator,  the wise parent can utilize this newfound  "influence" over junior's behavior.  Isn't THAT amazing?  Too mean for you?  Manipulative?  OK, go ahead and continue with your modern methods -- talk them to death, explain your rationale, and use soft, monotones -- that's a winner, GOOD LUCK!

     Oh, and cut with the tonnage of CANDY you think are an essential food group for the Brats.  You give them Candy as behavioral rewards;  you give them Candy because it makes YOU feel good;  you give them Candy to pacify them;  and you give them Candy because it makes the self-centered kiddies really, really like you.   And at no time, during all the the "picky eater", "just won't eat!", mealtime tantrums --  does it ever occur to you that CHILDREN NEED LESS CALORIES THAN YOU DO AND IF YOU FILL THEIR ALLOTMENT WITH A PIPELINE OF CANDY, THEY WILL NOT BE HUNGRY COME MEALTIME!?!  

     You lie to yourself and believe you care about their health, and yet you give them even CANDY ENEMAS!  Stop being such a Second Grader for Pete's sake!  Sugar is UNHEALTHY.  It is the biggest dietary contributor to cardiovascular disease, obesity, diabetes, etc, etc.  Oh, but its OK for Little Billy to always have gummy bears falling out of his pockets, right?

    

     This reminds me.  Those of you Mommy's who insist on baby-bottles full of milk to the tune of 32 oz a day well into the 5th grade, consider this.  The nipple on the baby bottle is a slow-drip system.  Constant sucking on this SUGAR lolipop is a recipe for fussy SOLID FOOD eaters, obesity, and cavities.  Yes, cavities.  Lactose is SUGAR, and is the main component of milk.  SUGAR sitting on the teeth 24/7 cause cavities, not to mention iron-deficiency, and narrow infantile eating routines.  After 9 months, MAX 12 oz of milk for transition, but the goal is SOLID FOODS.  Food is more varied and nutritious and essential for childhood health and growth.  The eternal bottle of milk is a MOMMY pacifier, and NOT a childhood dietary necessity,  Bedtime pools of SUGAR coating the baby's teeth all night is not good parenting.

     OK, OK, pet peeve outta da way.  Back to the meal.,,,, Teaching infant Billy to behave on the High Chair allows for a seamless transition, or 'graduation',  to the table.  The infant bows his head in thanks, eats what you serve them, remains calm and cooperates as you instruct, imbibes good nutrition, thanks you, wipes his hands and mouth, gets down, and scoots off to play.  And this is the SIX MONTH old.  By the time properly-trained Little Billy joins the family at the table, he fits in, and is a welcome addition to the meal event.  Oh, and do NOT listen to any of this as MEDICAL advice.  Talk to your Pediatriian.   She will tell you that "everything you are doing is perfect" so "will you please give me a high YELP rating?

     Just a word here about portions.  Stop with the Viking-sized meal portions for the infant/toddler/kid.  You are setting this kid up for failure, again, because they cannot possibly eat the Suma-wrestler quantity you served up.   Besides, you do not want a FAT kid for one, and you do not want to keep begging her to "just eat a teeny-tiny more, please, purty please, with CANDY on top"..... UNDER-portion the kiddo, and perhaps he will ask for seconds of another TINY portion.  This prevents over-eating, Parental begging, and allows desert to be used as a REWARD, and not the meal itself.  Simple, que no?

     Oh, and PULEEEEZE get the toys off the table.  Mealtime is not for admiring a string of Little Billy's favorite toys.  Time to be grateful.  Time to listen to Mommy and Daddy talking about things.  Time to BE SEEN AND NOT HEARD.  Yeah.  How do you think kids learn to mature, and be confident, competent  and humble adults --- by listening to their dopey siblings sputter stupid kid Poki-mon nonsense?  Uh-uh. Nope.   It is by the pea-brained kids listening,  observing and learning from the ADULTS IN THE ROOM......geez, I'm just too old to keep shouting like this, but must soldier on...heh, heh.

     Sometimes it appears to this Ol' Doc that Modern parents think their kids are raccoons.  Big glass of water or milk or a Coke next to their plate so they can overcome their lack of salivary glands,  wet their food and more easily digest their crawfish and mussels.  Again, the six month old has a stomach the size of a small orange, or 4 oz.   One small glass of milk, and HELLO!  No more room....bu-buh "picky eeeee-ter!"

 

     Again, Parents, especially Mommy -- the kitchen is not a Restaurant, and you are not a Short-order cook.  You will be better off making it clear to the kids that they do NOT ask for particular food items, nor do they tell you how to prepare their meal, unless YOU ask them.  And ask them only rarely.   Believe me-- honest injun', cross my heart and hope to skewer you ever more!  If the Brats are dissatisfied with the cuisine or service, que se vayan a la ching.....uh, tough tonails.  Get off the table right now, no "snacks" later, and maybe when he is REALLY hungry he will be more flexible and grateful.  Steel yourselves with this attitude and this approach, and you will have peaceful, enjoyable, rewarding mealtimes.   And a higher caliber kiddo.

 

                                                                                        -------DOC