at

                                                     MEALTIME Or, The Beginning

     Let us now look at specific Child-Rearing topics, shall we?  In our previous three essays, we have covered 1) how ridiculous New Parents appear when they act like child-raising martyrs.  Ridiculous because it is so simple -- labor intensive, but simple and certainly not worthy of martyrdom.  And 2)  Leadership vs. "Lord of the Flies".  And  3)  ***Scary*** Discipline.  All in all, we have managed with our outdated, wrongheaded wisdom, to blame YOU entirely for the shitty little brats you are raising.  Sorry, not sorry.

     OK,  let's move on to SPECIFIC techniques which you are botching as well (heh, heh).  Mealtime is one of the most important behavioral arenas in all of Parent-dumb, ah, -dom.  Let's skip newborn feeding for now, and for ease of illustration, let's start at age 6-8 months.  This is when most families "risk" letting go of 'Precious' by releasing him from the bosom and "risking" his very own chair.  (Some start at age 4, and continue 'til age 40, I get it, but let's talk most common scenarios, agreed?).   Seriously,  I pose this question:  At what age do YOU want your child to.....fill in the blank?  It really is up to you!

     Very quickly, Little Billy learns that this chair is his.  He develops ownership, so it is important to cultivate a healthy parental attitude, not only about eating, but about respecting what is his.  This is the fledging's first steps at developing a healthy independence from Mommy.  Boy or girl, Mommy needs to respect this important stage of growth.  Presumably you WANT 'Precious' to grow up at some point, so why not start here?  You have opportunity and you have the perfect prop, i.e. The Chair.  Do not DISRESPECT your infant by insisting that they not advance from newborn suckling phase.  

     As such, you hopefully begin tutoring in the fine art of dignified dining.  This includes learning to use eating utensils, napkins, and manners.  Of course they are clumsy at first -- remember, they KNOW NOTHING except that which you teach them.  But Mommy must persevere because the high-chair classroom is rich with important life lessons.  Here's a brief list:

--physical coordination, using spoon to self-feed

--manners, tantrum control;  please and thank you

--healthy eating, i.e. canine vs. human  (can we ban the ever-present "sippy cups"?) 

--gratitude, "thank you for not allowing me to starve to death"

--prayer, after all, God appreciates a tip o' the cap from time to time too

-- confidence as skills grow

--communication skills including language and sign

--respect

--dignity

--pride, accomplishment

--social and public maturity

--patience

--independence

--responsibility- using napkin, picking up food spilled on the floor, and putting the chair in its place

--focus -  no toys while at the table, sitting upright, minimal talk, no sippy cup

--authority - who's the boss here?

     The High Chair is indeed a target-rich environment.  Do it right, and you set an important foundation for this infant's behavior and self-parenting in many other related aspects of family life.  Do it wrong, by unveiling the Modern, Only-Soft-Tone, No-Spanking, I-Love-You, Time-Out, Waitress-Mommy method and ...'deep breath'.... you have Baby Godzilla by age 10 months. There IS NO DNA PROGRAMMING FOR THE "TERRIBLE TWOS" by the way.  (Or Terrible Teens for that matter).  This is yet one more pile of constructed rubbish manufactured by google-ized parents too lazy to teach baby/infant acceptable behavior.  The only thing different about two years of age,  is a stronger, more cunning brat who has much more potent vocal chords.  "Welcome to YOUR world" indeed.

This Godzilla affords you perfect Martyrdom.    The perfect "Welcome to my world" fairy tale.

     Enough of the Parental insul...ah, constructive criticism.  Let us parse a few of these 'opportunities', and at least PRETEND we are interested in the child's development instead of our own convenience, time-schedule, misunderstandings, and FEELZ.  In Doc's opinion, the first crack at the High Chair is as big a day for Little Billy as weaning, first day of school, first soccer game, first pubic hair, and first job.  Try not to blow it.

     Important for starters is establishing who is the Boss.  Mommy is both Kitchen and the High Chair Boss.  (No deference to useless feminism here.  Your kids are NOT social engineering chew toys.  Get Daddy out of the kitchen,  FOR THE KID'S SAKE.  Men are ill-equipped DNA-wise, for this important life-event.  Today,  Mommy's who have been programmed by feminism are everywhere, and you hear the 50-50 nonsense all the time.  This has accomplished nothing more than a generation of Soy Men who don aprons, buy Tide Pods, and do stupid, non-productive goo-goo gah-gah's while spoon-feeding embarrassed poorly parented Little Billy.  Men will never be good at this.  But women can LEARN to care about their kids, because it IS in their DNA and they can  actually take up their critical child-rearing responsibilities.  See "Manhood Agonistes" for more kicks and giggles.  YOU'RE WELCOME).

     Mommy is good at language and this is  one big advantage.  For some reason, evolution has equipped women with 10,000 words a day, while Men with only 1000.  Interacting with the youngun's by peppering them with constant jabbering as they are High-Chair restrained,   is critical for language,  communication, and acculturation.    Using words and firm commands teaches the intellectually receptive infant precisely WHO is in authority, and that alone eases almost all infant stress and anxiety.  If you stupidly insist on ONLY repeating baby-babble sounds instead of real words, you will retard junior's language skills, and cause infant frustration, and growing DISRESPECT for dopey Mommy.   You continue to insist on letting Baby Huey command, and you will create even more infant stress, confusion, fear, anxiety that en toto leads to....guess what?  To POOR BEHAVIOR.  Kiddies do not intellectualize and articulate their emotions -- THEY ACT THEM OUT.  Yes, screaming, kicking, throwing food -- these are all Mommy-failures and expressions of stress and anxiety (something you are acutely aware of in your dogs, but the kids?  Not so much).  Your 'Precious' is begging to be LEAD!  So, establish a chain of command at the table right away, and the rest will be soooo much easier.

Because THIS:

Will lead to THIS, by and by.

As your generation would say, "not even kidding."

     Here is the part that is so blaringly simple.  Once you establish who is in charge, almost all of the other benefits of proper table training fall into place.  Weird!  Almost like sled dogs!....  "NO!" you snap when Junior spits out his food.   ("Refusing" new foods does not mean the infant does not like that food.  For goodness sake, if you are a Mother, you have simply got to be smarter than that.  It is a new texture, smell and flavor.  Of course the infant will default to "refusing", that is evolution.  You don't want this infant poisoned by adolescent Mowgli who thinks its funny to give this kid some poison Pleistocene bug, right?)  You are the teacher.  YOU teach this blank hard-drive what is healthy, good, rewarding, etc.  Notice that your kids purty much say "no" to anything new and suspicious.  Eating broccoli, cleaning their room, and agreeing to play on a Soccer team, are all gonna get "no's" at first.  It is YOUR job to get them to at least try.  This is simply Growing Up 101.  Yeah? 

     "NO!" you snap when 'Precious' throws food on the floor.  And if Junior persists in NOT eating, simply admonish, take him down from the chair, and NO MAS.  Let Little Mr. Freddy Fooey get more hungry.  You watch how he gobbles up even nopáles if he gets hungry enough.  (Its how you train dogs and seals, right?)  OK, is this REALLY  right?.....  Nah!  Let them grow wild and free.  Let them throw shit at you.  Let them treat you like a sou-chef and waitress.  Let them yell, intimidate, and even whack you around when fully grown at sixteen.  Your choice.  But you have got to have some type of mature vision here, connecting the dots from here to there.  Little Billy is a handful at 6 months of age, but Big Billy develops from Little Billy, with some time intervening -- get it?  C'mom, C'MON!  You have GOT TO BE SMARTER THAN TO THINK LITTLE BILLY AND BIG BILLY HAVE NO CONNECTION!

     So, the healthy High Chair Warrior learns right away who is the Boss of the kitchen, and it ain't him.  This is very soothing to an infant/toddler/child/teenager.  Putting your screaming brat in charge is a prescription for chronic anxiety FOR THE WHOLE FAMILY,  and acting-out of the children.  Little girls become lifetime melancholics, empty, promiscuous.  Little boys get shipped to the Ritalin farm because they cannot stop physically acting like maniacs.  These kiddos pay a big price for your unwillingness to command.  And yeah, the High Chair matters!  EVERYTHING MATTERS!!

     But by some miracle,  should you somehow stumble into Bossville, you will be amazed at how feckless, ignorant and cowardly your Google advisors would have you be.  Your kids will sit still while eating.  They will learn to handle a spoon with dexterity (IF YOU STOP SPOON-FEEDING THEM AND LET THEM FEED THEMSELVES).  Food will consistently enter their little mouths instead of the floor.  They will ask to be excused when finished eating, and they will thank God and you for the bounty of their meal.  Their confidence will grow as they outgrow their baby chair, and join Mommy and Daddy at the big table.  They will quietly eat their meals, and will be SEEN and not HEARD (how mean and old-fashioned, I know).

      

     Just a word about some particular dining items.  YOU determine the menu, the order of the courses, the  beverages and YOU orchestrate the timing of each detail, NOT the brat.  Kiddos sucking on sippy cups all meal long is a prescription for a sloppy eater who is  hungry again 20 minutes after leaving the table.  Remember, water fills the stomach TEMPORARILY, not to mention that a glass of water or milk at the child's elbow will end up all over the floor, ALWAYS.  Oh, and Parents:  What's with the force-feeding of CANDY?  Kiddos do NOT require candy as survival fare, and it is not the ONLY reward in the universe.  STOP IT!  Sugar is BAD.  You Luuuuv your 'Precious', yet you O.D. them on gobs of sour gummy shit, cotton candy and bubble gum?   Why do I need to tell you hippie-food, keifer-probiotic- garbanzo-noni-juice-AG-1-Koos-Koos Mommies  this?

     The table is NOT playtime either.  No toys.  And by the way,  when ADULTS are dining and conversing at the Big Table, avoid the kiddie lap-dance for these reasons:  1) The adults at the table must stop Adult talk once you virtue-signal with little Fido's, ah, Billy's ugly mug staring at them with those dopey 2 year old eyes;     and 2) you are sending a signal to dopey Billy that he is THE EQUAL OF THE GROWN UPS at the table!  (Seriously, it feels silly to actually have to SAY these common sense things, but.....).  Mealtime is a solemn event, and it is THE perfect setting to teach courtesy, restraint, manners, gratitude, and believe it or not,  FAMILY BONDING.  You dopey dopes out their ask, "with all of these meany, grumpy rules,  and do's and don'ts, how can we ever bond, I mean with all that  oppression and stuff...?!"

     Again, having to explain this seems silly to this Old Man, but here it is -- solemnity does not mean sadness.  Think of a serious ceremony, like The National Anthem the bedtime prayer.  At a table of quiet dignity, Mommy can communicate productively with Daddy;  Daddy can communicate with Mommy; then Mommy can productively communicate with the children;  then Daddy can productively communicate with the children.  And next thing you know, like magic, the family is maturely discussing matters of importance, and substance.  The soccer game, the school play, Algebra class, learning ABC's, spelling one's name, counting to twenty five, politics, America, God, friends, enemies, aspirations, goals, and accomplishments -- can all be discussed because the kids are not yelling, spilling their beverages, playing grab-ass with one another, crying, complaining, tattle-telling, raging and generally making a nuisance of themselves,  while at the same time annoying table guests, restaurant patrons, or extended family.  And all of these things BEGINS with 6 month Little Billy in the High Chair.  Magic!  A Miracle!  Good Luck!  The Stars Aligning Just So! .....   Oh, poppycock, c'mon. 

     Tried and true principles of parenting and household respect are at play here, not luck.  As the wise Old Timers always said, "It starts in the home."  And indeed it does.  And more specifically, it starts when baby leaves Mommy's arms and sits independently in the High Chair.  Depending on your table teachings, you get  EITHER --  jealousy, rivalry, neediness, rage, disrespect, arrogance, carelessness, ingratitude, resentments....OR -- family unity, respect, compassion, self-lessness, affection, reverence,  honesty, integrity, security, contentment and ultimately HAPPINESS.  The table at mealtime is a focal point of Family communication.  It is not the emotional toilet for horribly mannered brats.  Get this one right, and you struggling parents will go a long way to righting the floundering ship.  

     Good manners is as time-tested as Emily Post's 1922 book, "Etiquette in Society"....

What is hilarious is that nothing in this short primer is anything profound, new or groundbreaking,  It is all  common-sense socializing for the last many, many prior generations.  Observe the mayhem of the family with kids at the next table at your restaurant,  THAT is what you want?......Beware of the New-and -Improved,  my young Parents.  The "latest" can lead you down a very disorienting path.  No real right or wrong?  Everything is relative?  All opinions are valid?  Men can have babies and breast feed?  YIKES!

                                                             Simple as all that?  Uh, YEAH!              

                                                                                                                          --- DOC